Darth Vader & Nathan Hale vs Rayman & Master Chief

Venue: Large, open battlefield surrounded by mountainous terrain

Darth Vader and Nathan Hale stand at one end of the battlefield, Rayman and Master Chief at the other. Each fighter charges toward the center of the field, ready to fight. As soon as they are in range of one another, Hale and Master Chief begin to open fire, Hale armed with a Bullseye, Master Chief with a standard assault rifle. Hale's regenerative abilities and Master Chief's futuristic power armour mean that neither combatant falls easily, but Master Chief's years of experience and intense training enable him to accurately shoot Nathan Hale in the head enough times to kill him before Darth Vader is close enough to assist him. Hale collapses in a bloody heap as Vader attacks Master Chief with a Force Choke, lifting him off his feet. Rayman charges at Darth Vader as Vader uses the Force to lift his lightsaber and jam it through Master Chief's visor, penetrating his brain and killing Master Chief in milliseconds, before dropping him to the ground like a discarded ragdoll. Distracted, Vader fails to notice Rayman running at him. Rayman spins and hits Darth Vader in the stomach with a succession of strong punches, propelled by the momentum of his charge.

Rayman desperately tries to finish off Darth Vader by winding up another punch as Darth Vader attempts a Force Choke, Vader's efforts in vain as Rayman has no neck. The punch hits Vader in the stomach, injuring him further, but Darth Vader, using the Force, pulls the lightsaber from Master Chief's skull and effortlessly slices Rayman's head in half. Darth Vader and Nathan Hale are victorious.

Sonic the Hedgehog vs Rocky Balboa

Venue: Boxing Ring

Sonic charges into the ring first, tapping his foot on the ground as he waits for Rocky to show up. Finally, Rocky steps through the ropes, muttering unintelligibly. The bell rings and Balboa begins carefully moving around the ring as Sonic charges a Spin Dash, propelling himself in a ball toward Rocky, who is far too slow to dodge in time, and is knocked backwards. Sonic then jumps into the air to hit the stunned pugilist with a Homing Attack, which hits Rocky's head before he has time to react. Sonic follows up with a second Homing Attack, this time managing to kick Rocky in the jaw, breaking it. Struggling to regain his composure, Rocky throws an uppercut at Sonic as he attempts a third attack. Combined with the speed with which Sonic is flying in his direction, the punch causes significant damage to Sonic, knocking him backwards as rings fly all over the ring. Rocky throws a powerful left hook at Sonic, but, having recently taken damage, Sonic is invulnerable as he charges another Spin Dash, picking up a couple of rings as he does so. More prepared this time, Rocky attempts to dodge, but the attack catches his leg, knocking him to the ground.

The referee begins counting to ten as Rocky lies on the canvas, his jaw broken, his leg injured, and with Sonic doing some sort of celebratory breakdance nearby. Images of his wife Adrian run through Rocky's mind, as inspirational music plays. Rocky pictures his late trainer, Mick, imploring to get up for one more round, and as the crowd cheers, Rocky struggles to his feet. Rocky says something dramatic which no one is able to properly understand, then proceeds to hammer Sonic with a flurry of fast, powerful punches. A montage begins, containing shots of Balboa and Sonic trading blows and round cards displaying ever-increasing numbers. Finally, after an exhausting bout, Rocky successfully lands a devestating uppercut to Sonic, fracturing his skull and causing him to bleed to death horrifically onto the canvas. Rocky is declared the winner. He raises his arm in triumph, as the crowd roars with approval and a despondent Tails weeps over Sonic's corpse.

Write for ECB

It seems that, despite being knowledgeable of almost all things ever created, I'm not an expert on every single franchise from which you, my audience, want to see characters fighting each other. I have two choices: half-assedly write fights starring characters about whom I know nothing, or get some more writers. After considering choosing the first option and leaving to eat chips, I steeled my determination, and now implore anyone interested to write some fights for me, in order to keep the quality at a decent standard. If you're interested in writing some fights for this blog, email me at joemegson94@gmail.com for details. You will of course be credited for any published fights you write. Right now, I'm especially looking for someone knowledgeable on comic book characters to write a fight involving The Hulk, Wonder Woman, Superman and Hal Jordan. Thanks.

Requested Fight: Han Solo vs Jack Bauer vs Aragorn vs Marty McFly vs John McClane vs Katniss Everdeen

Venue: Outskirts of a backwater village, entrenched in a deep forest

Each fighter simultaneously enters the battlefield, armed with their respective weapons, except for Katniss, who is nowhere to be seen, and an unarmed Marty McFly, who, to the shock of the others, comes careening down the road in a DeLorean, straight toward Han Solo. Solo fires off a desperate shot from his blaster pistol at the car and dives to the side. The shot misses McFly, but Solo succeeds in escaping from the attack and quickly gets to his feet. Suddenly, something flies in from the darkness - an arrow, fired by Katniss from elsewhere, hits Han Solo directly in his chest, dropping him to his knees in agony as blood begins to pour from the wound. Simultaneously, Jack Bauer turns to Aragorn, who stands nearby, and fires a shot from a pistol in his direction. Aragorn narrowly ducks, the inaccurate bullet grazing his shoulder, and begins to charge at Bauer, sword ready. Bauer fires a second shot at Aragorn, hitting his face with accuracy just as Aragorn slashes Bauer's side with the sword, then falls to the ground, bleeding to death. McClane then fires a shot from some distance away at Bauer, hitting him in the shoulder. Bauer turns to shoot back as McClane fires off a second bullet; with the advantage of being prepared, John McClane's shot hits Jack Bauer squarely in the head, killing him almost instantly, whereas Bauer's own shot only hits McClane in the arm, resulting in a small wound.

The DeLorean having used up the last of its gas, McFly gets out to take cover in a nearby shack. Meanwhile, Han Solo spies Katniss in the darkness of an adjacent street, as she shoots another arrow from between two buildings at McClane. The arrow narrowly misses McClane, and Han Solo fires a blast at Katniss, whose attention is focused on her new target. The powerful blast burns a hole through Katniss' chest, completely vapourising her heart and resulting in a quick, albeit painful, death. Noticing the commotion, John McClane turns to Han Solo to shoot him, but Solo quickly shoots first, hitting McClane in the arm, sending him reeling backwards and causing his shot to narrowly miss, the bullet passing Solo's ear so closely he can hear it cutting through the wind next to him. Each combatant fires a second shot at the other, but McClane prepared, ducks as he shoots, successfully avoiding Solo's blast and hitting him in the knee with a bullet. Now losing blood rapidly from the injuries to both his knee and chest. Solo fires another, desperate shot at McClane, which injures McClane's other arm as McClane fires a third bullet, successfully hitting Solo in the torso and causing him to bleed out.

Now only Marty McFly and an injured John McClane remain in the fight. McClane sees that McFly has left the battlefield and goes off in search of him. Meanwhile, McFly finds an old rake in the shack, and waits at the door, ready to defend himself. Minutes pass, and McClane opens the door to the shack. As he enters, his eyes adjusting to the darkness inside, Marty McFly hits him at full strength with the rake, deeply scratching McClane's chest. McClane, startled and in pain, fires a shot into the darkness, grazing McFly as he swings again. McClane ducks, but the rake still hits him in the side of the head. His eyes now adjusted, John McClane shoots Marty McFly in the torso, wounding him greatly, then proceeds to shoot him directly in the head at point-blank range, brutally killing McFly. John McClane wins.

Change of Address

Oh, and one more thing. From now on, if you have any fight requests, please send them to joemegson94@gmail.com. Also, just reminding you readers that you can click the "Join this site" button on the right of the page somewhere to feed my ego. And also to receive an update whenever a new post is added.

Epic Character Battles' Epic Return

There haven't been any updates for a while, due to technical difficulties (I punched my laptop and it broke), but now I'm all kitted out with a shiny second-hand computer, so ECB is back on, with more cross-universe bloodbaths for you to enjoy. I know your eyes are filled with tears of joy right now, but do try to keep reading.

Firstly, I shall respond to any fight requests I've received, then I think I'll just write like 100-and-something names in a notebook and randomise a load of fights for your reading pleasure, and to mark the revival of this awesome site, and of my staying up till 3, arguing with my friend over how exactly much damage a sword could do to Hades' armpit. You're welcome.

The Cyclops vs Hades

Venue: Infernal Pit

Hades slashes at The Cyclops’ legs, slicing one of them in half and causing The Cyclops to collapse. Hades runs to the side to avoid being crushed, but The Cyclops successfully lands with his hand on top of Hades. Hades succeeds in pushing the giant’s hand off of him and gets to his feet, throwing the hand next to himself. Lying on the ground and bleeding heavily, The Cyclops pushes his hand towards Hades. Hades digs his blades into the hand in attempt to stop The Cyclops, causing The Cyclops great pain, but The Cyclops continues to push Hades towards his open mouth, Hades struggling to push back. The Cyclops resists the pain of his leg, and, Hades now at his mouth, leans his head towards him and bites off Hades' arm, causing blood to spill out everywhere from Hades' mangled stump. In horrible agony, Hades uses his other arm to slash The Cylops’ face with his blade; The Cyclops screams and releases Hades’ arm. The Cyclops grabs Hades as he stabs at his brain. The blade penetrates his brain and kills him almost instantly.

Viola (Soul Calibur) vs Space Mama (Rayman)

Venue: Forest clearing

Space Mama flies at Viola in her washing machine, and Viola just manages to dodge out of the way. Space Mama leaves her washing machine and fires a laser at Viola, who narrowly ducks to avoid the shot. Being a 90s video game boss, Space Mama allows Viola a short time during which to attack her. Viola, while ducking, stabs Space Mama in the stomach with her finger blades, dealing significant damage. Space Mama becomes enraged and spins around in the air at Viola, brandishing her laser rolling pin. Fuck, Rayman games are weird. Anyway, Viola is caught off guard and her face is badly burned by the rolling pin. Space Mama comes back with another spin attack, and Viola easily dodges her. Viola sends her orb flying at Space Mama but misses her as she comes back for another spinning attack, which connects, disintegrating Viola.

Ezio Auditore vs Bowser

Venue: A bridge above a pool of lava

Bowser launches a huge, blazing fireball at Ezio, singing almost the entire left half of his body. Ezio, now hunched on the ground, pulls out his gun and fires at at Bowser, who is walking towards him. The bullet hits Bowser in the face, sending him reeling, at which point Ezio notices a button at the end of the bridge on which they are both standing. With his remaining strength, Ezio runs towards the button, but Bowser catches him and lifts him off the ground in one hand. Ezio slashes at Bowser’s hand with his hidden blade, causing Bowser to roar in pain drop Ezio, who then stabs as hard as possible into Bowser’s abdomen, but the attack bounces off his scales almost harmlessly, as Ezio is severely weakened. Bowser punches Ezio in the face, momentarily stunning him, but Ezio makes another, desperate run for the nearby button. Bowser catches Ezio again, who strikes with his hidden blade a second time, but to no significant avail. Ezio continues to stab at Bowser’s hand, but is unable to stop Bowser from throwing him into a pit of lava. Ezio is burnt to ashes.

Stan Smith vs Mileena

Venue: Shao Kahn's Palace (Outworld)

Stan fires two bullets at Mileena, but she immediately dives into a teleportation portal, narrowly dodging the gunfire. The portal opens above Stan’s head and Mileena leaves it with a powerful kick, knocking Stan to the ground, before she lands on her feet. Stan quickly gets up and shoots at Mileena with another two shots, both of which hit her square in the head, doing mild damage, because for some reason gunfire hardly affects Mortal Kombat characters. Enraged, Mileena leaps at Stan; he fires his last two shots at her, stopping her in midair and causing her to fall to the ground. Stan throws down his gun as Mileena stands up. She stabs violently at Stan with her sai and lands a blow to his thigh, Stan’s attempt to dodge out of the way causing it to leave a cut rather than stab. Stan launches a quick and powerful punch to Mileena’s face, knocking her to the ground and doing heavy damage. She gets up quickly and, screaming, launches herself at Stan, teeth bared. She clutches him with all four limbs and, despite Stan’s efforts, eats his face. Stan gets back up, woozy, allowing Mileena to perform a fatality in which she tears him in half.

Tony Tony Chopper (One Piece) vs Tira (Soul Calibur)

Venue: A field at night

Chopper nervously looks around for his enemy and hears Tira cackling nearby. He turns to see her running at full speed towards him, wielding her ring blade. Chopper immediately eats a Rumble Ball and goes into Jumping Point, ready to dodge her attack. Tira rushes at Chopper, ducks, and twirls her Ring Blade above her head towards him; he narrowly manages to jump back and out of harm’s way. Tira swings at Chopper with another attack, this time a vertical slash, away from which Chopper easily escapes, again by jumping backwards.

Enjoying what she sees as a game, Tira makes yet another slash at Chopper, laughing gleefully. Her quick strike easily hits himr, cutting him gravely across his chest. Wounded, he enters Guard Point. Though Tira’s next strike is able to scratch Chopper, no significant damage is dealt. Smiling, Tira kicks Chopper at full force part-way across the battlefield, then runs at him again to deliver a final blow. Still gravely wounded, Chopper enters Arm Point and attempts to stop Tira by punching with the last of his strength as she nears him. The punch slams into Tira’s face just in time to prevent her attack from landing, sending her flying to the side. With all of her will, Tira climbs back to her feet and looks up to see Chopper sprinting towards her, the effects of the Rumble Ball close to running out. Chopper delivers a powerful punch at full speed, which Tira fails to counter in time; the punch hits her face again with a sickening crunch, knocking her to her knees. Weak and injured, Tira slashes at Chopper’s legs with her Ring Blade as Chopper swings for her again. Tira’s strike severely damages Chopper’s legs but does not stop his punch, which shatters Tira’s skull, killing her instantaneously. Bleeding heavily but victorious, Chopper collapses to the ground to rest.

Welcome to ECB

Ever wondered who would win a fight between Batman and Superman? Have you ever laid awake at night, conflicted over who whether or not Jack Sparrow could defeat Monkey D. Luffy? Have you ever spilled blood in a fight with a friend because you couldn't agree on whether Count Chocula could kill the Sugar Puffs  monster? (Of course he could, he's a vampire).

Put your mind at ease, pop culture obsessives, because deciding these things is the job of us at Epic Character Battles! Simply give us two or more characters from any series, be they from comics, TV shows, movies, video games, real life, your own twisted imagination, or some sort of Frankensteinian mixture of different media, and we'll write up how it would go down. Whether it's a one-on-fight, a team-based two-on-two or a glorious, bloody, multi-man free-for-all, we'll give you your answer no matter how ridiculous. Just follow these ridonkulously simple steps:

1. Pick two or more fictional characters and/or real people. If you want a team-based fight, pick the teams.

2. Choose a venue in which they fight, if you want the fight to take place somewhere specific. An open battlefield? A studio apartment? The moon? Your choice.

3. Choose any special circumstances, if you want any. For example, if one of the fighters was periodically attacked by a cloud of bats during the fight, or something. Useful if you want to level the playing field a bit.

4. Either tell us in the comments to a post on this blog, or email it to us at epiccharacterbattles@gmail.com.

5. Check back later to see how the fight went.

Thanks, and we hope you enjoy our rambling.