The Cyclops vs Hades

Venue: Infernal Pit

Hades slashes at The Cyclops’ legs, slicing one of them in half and causing The Cyclops to collapse. Hades runs to the side to avoid being crushed, but The Cyclops successfully lands with his hand on top of Hades. Hades succeeds in pushing the giant’s hand off of him and gets to his feet, throwing the hand next to himself. Lying on the ground and bleeding heavily, The Cyclops pushes his hand towards Hades. Hades digs his blades into the hand in attempt to stop The Cyclops, causing The Cyclops great pain, but The Cyclops continues to push Hades towards his open mouth, Hades struggling to push back. The Cyclops resists the pain of his leg, and, Hades now at his mouth, leans his head towards him and bites off Hades' arm, causing blood to spill out everywhere from Hades' mangled stump. In horrible agony, Hades uses his other arm to slash The Cylops’ face with his blade; The Cyclops screams and releases Hades’ arm. The Cyclops grabs Hades as he stabs at his brain. The blade penetrates his brain and kills him almost instantly.

Viola (Soul Calibur) vs Space Mama (Rayman)

Venue: Forest clearing

Space Mama flies at Viola in her washing machine, and Viola just manages to dodge out of the way. Space Mama leaves her washing machine and fires a laser at Viola, who narrowly ducks to avoid the shot. Being a 90s video game boss, Space Mama allows Viola a short time during which to attack her. Viola, while ducking, stabs Space Mama in the stomach with her finger blades, dealing significant damage. Space Mama becomes enraged and spins around in the air at Viola, brandishing her laser rolling pin. Fuck, Rayman games are weird. Anyway, Viola is caught off guard and her face is badly burned by the rolling pin. Space Mama comes back with another spin attack, and Viola easily dodges her. Viola sends her orb flying at Space Mama but misses her as she comes back for another spinning attack, which connects, disintegrating Viola.

Ezio Auditore vs Bowser

Venue: A bridge above a pool of lava

Bowser launches a huge, blazing fireball at Ezio, singing almost the entire left half of his body. Ezio, now hunched on the ground, pulls out his gun and fires at at Bowser, who is walking towards him. The bullet hits Bowser in the face, sending him reeling, at which point Ezio notices a button at the end of the bridge on which they are both standing. With his remaining strength, Ezio runs towards the button, but Bowser catches him and lifts him off the ground in one hand. Ezio slashes at Bowser’s hand with his hidden blade, causing Bowser to roar in pain drop Ezio, who then stabs as hard as possible into Bowser’s abdomen, but the attack bounces off his scales almost harmlessly, as Ezio is severely weakened. Bowser punches Ezio in the face, momentarily stunning him, but Ezio makes another, desperate run for the nearby button. Bowser catches Ezio again, who strikes with his hidden blade a second time, but to no significant avail. Ezio continues to stab at Bowser’s hand, but is unable to stop Bowser from throwing him into a pit of lava. Ezio is burnt to ashes.

Stan Smith vs Mileena

Venue: Shao Kahn's Palace (Outworld)

Stan fires two bullets at Mileena, but she immediately dives into a teleportation portal, narrowly dodging the gunfire. The portal opens above Stan’s head and Mileena leaves it with a powerful kick, knocking Stan to the ground, before she lands on her feet. Stan quickly gets up and shoots at Mileena with another two shots, both of which hit her square in the head, doing mild damage, because for some reason gunfire hardly affects Mortal Kombat characters. Enraged, Mileena leaps at Stan; he fires his last two shots at her, stopping her in midair and causing her to fall to the ground. Stan throws down his gun as Mileena stands up. She stabs violently at Stan with her sai and lands a blow to his thigh, Stan’s attempt to dodge out of the way causing it to leave a cut rather than stab. Stan launches a quick and powerful punch to Mileena’s face, knocking her to the ground and doing heavy damage. She gets up quickly and, screaming, launches herself at Stan, teeth bared. She clutches him with all four limbs and, despite Stan’s efforts, eats his face. Stan gets back up, woozy, allowing Mileena to perform a fatality in which she tears him in half.

Tony Tony Chopper (One Piece) vs Tira (Soul Calibur)

Venue: A field at night

Chopper nervously looks around for his enemy and hears Tira cackling nearby. He turns to see her running at full speed towards him, wielding her ring blade. Chopper immediately eats a Rumble Ball and goes into Jumping Point, ready to dodge her attack. Tira rushes at Chopper, ducks, and twirls her Ring Blade above her head towards him; he narrowly manages to jump back and out of harm’s way. Tira swings at Chopper with another attack, this time a vertical slash, away from which Chopper easily escapes, again by jumping backwards.

Enjoying what she sees as a game, Tira makes yet another slash at Chopper, laughing gleefully. Her quick strike easily hits himr, cutting him gravely across his chest. Wounded, he enters Guard Point. Though Tira’s next strike is able to scratch Chopper, no significant damage is dealt. Smiling, Tira kicks Chopper at full force part-way across the battlefield, then runs at him again to deliver a final blow. Still gravely wounded, Chopper enters Arm Point and attempts to stop Tira by punching with the last of his strength as she nears him. The punch slams into Tira’s face just in time to prevent her attack from landing, sending her flying to the side. With all of her will, Tira climbs back to her feet and looks up to see Chopper sprinting towards her, the effects of the Rumble Ball close to running out. Chopper delivers a powerful punch at full speed, which Tira fails to counter in time; the punch hits her face again with a sickening crunch, knocking her to her knees. Weak and injured, Tira slashes at Chopper’s legs with her Ring Blade as Chopper swings for her again. Tira’s strike severely damages Chopper’s legs but does not stop his punch, which shatters Tira’s skull, killing her instantaneously. Bleeding heavily but victorious, Chopper collapses to the ground to rest.

Welcome to ECB

Ever wondered who would win a fight between Batman and Superman? Have you ever laid awake at night, conflicted over who whether or not Jack Sparrow could defeat Monkey D. Luffy? Have you ever spilled blood in a fight with a friend because you couldn't agree on whether Count Chocula could kill the Sugar Puffs  monster? (Of course he could, he's a vampire).

Put your mind at ease, pop culture obsessives, because deciding these things is the job of us at Epic Character Battles! Simply give us two or more characters from any series, be they from comics, TV shows, movies, video games, real life, your own twisted imagination, or some sort of Frankensteinian mixture of different media, and we'll write up how it would go down. Whether it's a one-on-fight, a team-based two-on-two or a glorious, bloody, multi-man free-for-all, we'll give you your answer no matter how ridiculous. Just follow these ridonkulously simple steps:

1. Pick two or more fictional characters and/or real people. If you want a team-based fight, pick the teams.

2. Choose a venue in which they fight, if you want the fight to take place somewhere specific. An open battlefield? A studio apartment? The moon? Your choice.

3. Choose any special circumstances, if you want any. For example, if one of the fighters was periodically attacked by a cloud of bats during the fight, or something. Useful if you want to level the playing field a bit.

4. Either tell us in the comments to a post on this blog, or email it to us at epiccharacterbattles@gmail.com.

5. Check back later to see how the fight went.

Thanks, and we hope you enjoy our rambling.